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November 6th, 2009

05:54 am - Travel Flying really brought back a lot of memories. I don't know where the last five years have gone. Back in 2004 I took a trip (hi counterweight, caffeineferret, cyriael, infinitepryde and bentarc) across northeastern US, and after that...after that, I've been what? Sitting at home and working. Well, if I go through my memories I can come up with many things I've done between then and now, but somehow it feels inexcusable that I haven't really done much traveling between 2004-2009. I don't remember if I've mentioned it or not, but my mom was a travel agent, and eventually set up her own travel agency too, so we traveled a lot when I was a kid. At least one trip a year to Southern Europe and so on. So I grew up flying and traveling. Getting back into an airplane cabin and watching the ground fall away and watching the clouds envelop you, well, it felt in many ways like coming back home again, and for the life of me I can't justify why I've allowed five years to go by without traveling. It feels like a colossal mistake and I've gotta stop perpetrating it, so I'd like to devote more financial priority towards traveling in the future. Having said that, as a green who feels guilty about being too lazy to be a good green, these days it's also difficult to justify air travel to oneself. All those emissions just to go see another corner of the world, does one have the right to destroy a bit of the environment just for your personal entertainment? What redeeming qualities does air travel have? What could justify it? These concerns are somewhat hammered home at places like Heathrow, where the mall is basically a shrine to consumption. Lots and lots of stores, but it feels like it's the same thing over and over again. Electronics, booze, chocolate, cosmetics. Wherever you look they have shiny display cases for Dolce & Gabbana or gold jewelry. It's like the mall is designed for the superficial high society "elite". Then again, aren't they all, I suppose. I wonder what a mall would be like that would be tailored and aimed at green environmentally conscious consumers. One thing's for sure, I didn't see anything remotely like that at Heathrow. Despite that, I've always liked Heathrow. Something about its atmosphere is so gosh darn cosmopolitan that it truly feels like the hub and center of the world, as befits its status as one of the world's busiest airports (the busiest?). One of the things that vexed me repeatedly yesterday was the endless security checks. Man, things were easier even back in 2004. It really has gone insane. During one day of travel, I must have spent about three hours total queuing and being processed at various security checkpoints. I can't help but wonder where goes the line between reasonable caution and paranoia, and whether that line has been crossed. How much further can things go anymore, how much inconvenience can travelers possibly be subjected to, and is it possible we might see a pullback and relaxation of procedures someday. Is it even desired? As on many of my previous trips, another vexing experience was the seating on British Airways Boeing 777s. For a guy 6'4", it's just ridiculous. There's no possible physical configuration to sit comfortably in one of those damn mini-me seats. It's just not physically possible, I say. My trip back in 2004, I actually stood and paced the cabin 90% of the 8 hour flight back to London, because it was physically painful to try to fit myself into that seat. This ride wasn't quite that bad as I'd made it a point to stay awake for almost 24 hours before the transatlantic leg of the journey, so I was exhausted enough that I fell asleep for part of the flight, no matter how uncomfortable the seat. I can tell you though, my neck and shoulders were in screaming agony when I woke up towards the end of the flight, and I had a splitting migraine from neck and shoulder tension. God, my head hurt. Fortunately I had had the foresight to pack some headache pills, so once I got to my accommodation and got to lie down and pop the pills, the situation quickly improved, but god, the agony saved from my legs felt like it just went to my head instead. For the record, I hate British Airways 777s. They are the bane of my existence. Anyway, I disembarked at Atlanta airport and, you know it's crazy, Heathrow had it too and many others in the world do too, but I don't think I've run into them before. That is to say, airports that have their own subways. Heathrow's new Terminal 5 has three buildings that are connected by a subway line, and Atlanta's airport also has a subway line that goes between the five or so concourses. I think all my previous trips I've only done intra-airport transits with buses or on foot, so finding two intra-airport subways was a fascinating little treat. When I exited Atlanta airport I ran into another new system I wasn't previously familiar with, that of airport-hotel shuttles. That is to say, outside Atlanta airport there's a waiting zone where vans labelled with hotel logos come pick up people and shuttle them direct to the hotel. So you walk over to this zone, chill out a few minutes (comfortably so because it's a nice and lovely comfortable +15C/59F as compared to the freezing point when I was leaving Finland), and wait for a van to stop by that has your hotel's logo. Don't even need to pre-book one or call one up, you just wait and one comes eventually. I had to wait only about 3-5 minutes before one with my hotel's name showed up. I was the only guy for that hotel, so I sat up front and chatted with the driver on the way to the place. Evidently all hotels generally just buy their own vans and have a guy who drives non-stop back and forth between the hotel and the airport. It's supposedly the cheapest system they've figured out, which makes me wonder a little about how much anybody's really tried to streamline the system. I mean you could have two hotels practically side by side, and both of them send separate vans non-stop back and forth. What's more, they send the car going back and forth even without knowing if anyone will be coming over from the airport. It just seems incredibly wasteful. Of course, from a customer service standpoint, it was top of the line. It was free of charge, I just walked to a zone, waited a couple of minutes, and had a guy drive me direct to my place. Couldn't get easier or cheaper from a traveler's standpoint, and it was of course oh god so very appreciated because I was having that splitting headache at that point. But I do have to wonder just how efficient it is. Seems like a system like that would result in a massive waste of gasoline. On the other hand, after a company invested in making things so incredibly easy for me, I feel kind of like an ungrateful guest criticizing them for being wasteful. Anyway, I checked in and dropped my things to my room and popped the pills and rested a while. Eventually I went back to the reception and chatted a while to get the lay of the land. I loved how he was like, "There's a Ruby Tuesday's if you go that way you'll hit a dead end and go left at that point. Stay near where you'll see other hotels. Don't go right when you hit the dead end. You don't want to be there." That is so alien to a Finn. What am I, in Sudan or Somalia or something? I am so unused to "bad neighborhoods" in the West. I can't say I wasn't intrigued by the prospect of going to explore just what it would have been like if I'd turned right. But I had 26 hours of traveling under my belt and a headache and tired and well...I didn't do it. But go figure, I'm like a big kid. Tell me I don't want to do something, and you only make certain that I get curious about it. I am so easy for reverse psychology. I'm up early (since about 5:18), the headache is gone, I feel refreshed, it's warm and the inn breakfast has all the orange juice I can drink. I definitely don't regret coming. Flying isn't cheap nor is it environmentally friendly, but I suppose from the way I feel, I can at least say it is good for the soul. I just hope I remembered to turn the stove off at home. :) Current Location: Atlanta, Georgia Current Mood: peaceful

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November 5th, 2009

03:49 am - Bus I am paranoid sometimes because I have to check so many times whether I have everything along when I go on a trip. And even when I have more or less irrevocably boarded a vehicle (such as the bus I'm typing this in) I keep thinking about what I could possibly have forgotten that will stop my journey short at some point. For one reason or another, I'm just certain that they'll turn me back in HEL, or in LHR, or in ATL. Air travel - intercontinental at least - is so much bureaucracy that I can't help but wonder what I've missed. That's not what I wanted to talk about, though. On the way from Turku to Helsinki there is this small city called Salo, and I grew up there. The bus passed it about half an hour ago and I can't help but introspect and retrospect. In so many ways, I'm still the same person I was those 20-25 years ago, and I still remember these buildings. I remember the electronics store where mom bought me my first computer, the kiosks where I used to buy comics, the hill I've sledded down. Heck, I passed within sight of the house that I helped build and which I might inherit someday. It's impossible for me to go through Salo and not be overwhelmed by memories. How now, when I'm on a trip to explore a possible future? The memories feel even more powerful. To go through my childhood in order to reach my future, one could say it's full of symbolism. And since, for all I know, the plane might blow up and I might be dead in 24 hours, I'm intentionally trying to feel things even stronger still, to close out my life even as I'm taking it a step further. I wonder about the ways in which I have changed in two decades and - perhaps more keenly - about the ways in which I have not. Who am I? What do these things make me? In the end is changing the important thing about man - our capacity to evolve both as individuals and as a race? Or is the most important thing the one that always stays constant? Am I the intersection, the AND operator, of the things that I was and the things that I am? The things that I was at 10 and still am at 30, the ones that still remain after two decades, are those the things that define who I am? I was always a dreamer. I always lived inside my own head, building castles in the clouds. Always was, always am, always - I think - will be. And I'm surprisingly comfortable with that. I sometimes feel like an old Japanese zen pebble gardener thinking that the only thing that matters is finding harmony within yourself. I'm still on a quest to find that harmony, and many other things besides. But today at least, I feel like I am moving instead of being static like I have been for so much of my life. It's a good sensation to have some progress. Whether for better or for worse, I can take either. But I'm so tired of standing still. There is snow outside. It was cold waiting for the bus. I hope I won't feel cold for quite a while to come. Current Location: On bus between Salo and HEL Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Star Trek: The Next Generation - Opening Theme

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November 1st, 2009

10:51 pm - Loneliness Just by doing a quick flip through this week's tabloids there were two public figures speaking out that they don't think it's good for a person to be alone, Tapani Kansa (a singer) and Sirkka Mertala (the fiancee of the prime minister). It's nice to hear that opinion every now and then. All too often I hear what feels like, "if you're not fine with being alone, you're a co-dependent freak". Current Mood: working

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03:32 pm - Mass Blue line is how many calories eaten in a day. In some cases numbers have not been available and I've had to do rough estimates. Red line is how much my unreliable scales show every morning. Measurement has been taken right after waking up, before eating anything. As can be seen, variance is very strong, suggesting a crappy piece of equipment, but trend is nonetheless clear. Current Mood: satisfied

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October 21st, 2009

04:39 am - Pizza I just got a reading on my scales -17kg (-37lb) as compared to mid-August top reading. Now, I most strongly emphasize that I believe my scales have a very wide error margin, probably something like +-3kg, so the truth is probably much less radical than that, but unless the scales are *totally* broken, the overall trend is unmistakable and successful: My pizza diet is working, so booyah! Current Mood: jubilant

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October 19th, 2009

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10:12 am - Better I haven't updated much recently, largely because things have been in flux and I've been continually reassessing my changing situation over the past month or so. But I suppose I might as well officially round up some of the things that have been appearing in tidbits here and there. As the observant among you may have noticed, there's a girl, and I'm traveling to Florida to go on a date in November. It's a bit of a long distance to go for a date, I know, and I have really strong personal bias against long distance relationships since ex1, but I guess that's what the universe insists on having me do. Considering I've approached nearly two dozen women in the last year or so and not a single one has expressed interest back, I may just be forced to conclude that there's just something in me that rubs Finnish women the wrong way, and that there's no chance to be found here. Maybe the universe is just trying to give me additional motivations to leave this country behind. I hate the climate, and if I'm not welcome with the women either, well then hell, I don't see many reasons to stick around. But that sounds more self-pitying than I feel. I still wouldn't use the word "happy", but I do feel the best I've felt since last fall. Feeling like I matter to someone -- not just in the sense of, "gee, it's nice he's around" like most casual acquaintances, but in the sense of someone actually adjusting their schedule to meet mine -- plus listening to the Rocky soundtrack, those two together make me feel like it doesn't matter how much crap the world feels like piling on my shoulders, I can take it all and then some. I think it's ironic that the girl, like ex1, lives in America of all places. It's like the cosmic plan -- if I believed in one -- REALLY wanted me in America for some reason. Go figure. I also still think she's an axe murderer who is just luring me over so she has something to feed her alligators. Or a fabricated prank by someone who really hates me. I'm gonna be pretty surprised if she turns out to be real. ;) I'm probably being excessively cautious, but given that the last time I threw caution to the wind I got my heart ripped out and put through a meat grinder, I don't think I'm going to be reckless anytime soon. Still, maybe there's something. Maybe. Cautious. We'll see in three weeks. If I don't come back, then fine, I'm gator chow or something. But I'm gonna give this a try at least. I'm not going to sit at home and hide from chances. I want to live my life, not avoid it, and that includes taking risks. I'd rather risk and die than not try at all. "Risk is part of the game if you want to sit in that chair." -- James T. Kirk, "Generations" "Sir, respectfully submit our only choice is to fight." -- Worf, "Encounter at Farpoint" "Our only other option is to tuck tail between our legs and return to Earth as [the Q] demand." -- Jean-Luc Picard, "Encounter at Farpoint" Current Mood: relaxed

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08:46 am - Loot Time for my monthly post office trip to pick up loot. Highlights this month include: * More Legion of Super-Heroes than you can shake a stick at! When I heard that DC Archives (hardcover books collecting influential comics from the 1940s-70s) were starting to go out of print, I made it a priority to grab the ones I wanted but hadn't gotten around to obtaining yet. In this shipment I got volumes 4-7 and 9, and combined with the ones I already had, that leaves me missing just volume 8, which has gone out of print, but I'm sure I'll be able to track down a copy someday via eBay or some similar route. These books give me about 1000 pages of vintage Legion action that I've never read before, including classic tales like "Super-Moby Dick of Space!", "Super-Stalag of Space!" (gotta love those sixties story titles!!), "The Adult Legionnaires!", the first Computo story and Ferro Lad's tragic tale. But that's not all! I also got two more copies of "Superman and the Legion of Super-Heroes", the Geoff Johns written story from about two years ago, which I think is just that spectacular that I want to hand it out as presents to everybody. I've already inflicted it upon poor khuure, and now I have two more targets to pick out. But wait! That's not all! The Legion also has a story in this month's "Adventure Comics #2", in which Lightning Lad has a heart-to-heart with his evil brother. * Now, moving on from the Legion, my Marvel Masterwork (the Marvel Comics equivalent for DC's Archives) in this month's shipment is Iron Man, Vol. 6, which collects Iron Man stories from 1969-70. I don't really know much about these at all, and I haven't heard much buzz about them afterwards either, indicating that these were probably not stories that set the world on fire, exactly, but I'm still a little bit curious to see what they are like. darkmark could probably fill me in on whether this is good stuff or just middling stuff. * Jumping ahead a decade and a half to the mid-eighties, I've got a hardcover of "Batman: A Death in the Family", which collects two separate but related stories -- the one where the second Robin (after Dick Grayson graduated) Jason Todd is killed by the Joker, and the one where the third Robin Tim Drake earns his mantle. * Moving on even further towards the modern day, I've got two more books that I know almost nothing about except their reputations. "Tom Strong Deluxe Edition, Vol. 1" is the first volume in a series collecting the eponymous Tom Strong, which I'm given to understand is a pastiche or a homage of pulp adventurers. It's by Alan ("Watchmen", "V For Vendetta") Moore, so I doubt it will disappoint. I've also got "Fables Deluxe Edition, Vol. 1", which is the first volume in a series collecting Bill Willingham's story about fairy tale characters transposed to the modern world. I've personally been very underwhelmed by Willingham's writing in the past, but this particular work of his is so often critically acclaimed that I suppose it must be better than his usual fare. I know at least elsewhere7 is a fan of the series, so I'm gonna give it a shot. * Moving on to the realm of single issues, Batman is still Dick Grayson and the Blackest Night crossover continues across various DC titles. Books that still excite me are BATMAN, DETECTIVE COMICS featuring BATWOMAN, ADVENTURE COMICS featuring SUPERBOY AND THE LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES (god the length of the title!), GREEN LANTERN, WONDER WOMAN, SECRET SIX, BOOSTER GOLD, DOOM PATROL, POWER GIRL, X-FACTOR and NEW MUTANTS and, contrary to most other peoples' opinion, TITANS. Art on GREEN LANTERN CORPS still sucks. STRANGE ADVENTURES is one issue short of conclusion and thank god for it because it's boring me to death. REBELS can't be too far from cancellation either so I might as well ride it out even though it's boring me. GREEN ARROW/BLACK CANARY is so close to being dropped because it sucks. John Byrne starts a new STAR TREK: ROMULANS story called "Schism", and my BUFFY SEASON 8 issues keep piling up and it seems like I never get around to reading them. Lots of reading to be done. Current Mood: geeky

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October 18th, 2009

10:01 am - Another

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October 15th, 2009

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October 14th, 2009

07:50 am I felt the need for a new userpic.

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October 13th, 2009

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October 6th, 2009

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October 4th, 2009

11:50 pm - Weekend It was a pretty good weekend. Most of it was spent sleeping in preparation for, or in recovery from, the 24 Hour Comics Day, which is an annual event when comics creators get together and try to pound out 24 pages of comics (per person, no collaborating) in 24 hours. Even though one's personal skill level shows in the work one does, I don't take it as a challenge to produce the best work you can produce. Much like NaNoWriMo, you have to produce a LOT of material in a VERY short time, and you don't really have time for quality control. Usually, professionals who do this for a living can pencil 22 pages in a whole month from a ready-written script, and in 24HCD you have to produce the script too, and then pencil more pages than that, all in the span of a single day. Instead of a demonstration of quality, I personally experience 24HCD as a demonstration and test of my endurance, motivation, drive and discipline. In that regard, I am pleased to say that I completed 24 pages in 24 hours. (Actually, only 20 hours because I slept in and showed up late.) It was a pretty psychedelic surreal story full of wtf, and frankly, it's a piece of crap, but there are some jokes scattered across the low-quality framework that I was genuinely pretty pleased with. Since it's a collection of people doing the same thing, it's also a social event, and it was pleasing to get to hang out with many of the fellow comic enthusiasts in the city. I don't think I've laughed that hard all year. My head felt like it was going to rupture at the seams from all the laughing. I also got to reconnect with an old friend from last year, whom frankly I've missed like hell, and that really made my day. Plus, S likes me, which feels great. Overall, probably the best day this year. Can't say I can use the word "happy" yet, but it's getting pretty close. Current Mood: hopeful

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October 2nd, 2009

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03:55 pm - Exhaustion All Thu-Fri night awake -> full work shift Fri morning -> shopping -> *NOW* -> anime evening -> crashsleepprobably12h -> 24 hours making comics -> crashsleep -> full work shift Sun-Mon night -> Mon morning is the next time I have a choice about my life again... On a positive note, I managed to pick up the present for next weekend's party, which is early for my procrastinating self. On a negative note, it was below freezing this morning and I REALLY want to move south now. Current Mood: exhausted

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06:36 am - Retrospect I started rereading my journal from back when I started in 2001. I was depressed even back then. I knew I sucked socially and I said it even back then. And some of the same people are supporting me now, eight friggin' years later, who were helping me back then. In a way I'm very lucky, to have people like that. In another way it's a little depressing to think I've made no progress in eight years. Maybe this is just how I'll be for the rest of my life. Then again, the depression completely disappeared when I was with ex2, so maybe it is a curable (or suppressible) condition with the right person. Go figure. But there are some other things that haven't changed either. Even back then, I liked to think out loud about deep and serious things. It made for some interesting reading, to see what kind of a person I was then. Even if it's the same kind I'm still now, I'm viewing it from a different temporal perspective. I like the way ex2 put it, "a collection of interesting people". I may have a lot of flaws. I may not have a lot of confidence in myself. But looking back at myself, I like to think that I am at least sometimes interesting. It's ironic to remember that I would never even have started an LJ if ex1 hadn't pestered me into it. What would I have had to look back on? Man, I was so young back then. Current Mood: pensive

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September 29th, 2009

01:57 am - Clan I suppose it was only a matter of time. A relative from my father's side seems to have discovered me on Facebook. I only know about four relatives from my father's side, but I'm aware that there may be a rather sizable clan in addition to the few I know. I've never really investigated. I pretty much cut off any desire to have anything to do with that half of the family tree when my father killed my mother back in 1992. I know I should be all forgiving, and open-minded, turn the other cheek and all the other crap like that, but frankly, I'm going to put my foot down and be resolute about this: if they want to be in contact with me, then I will expect a one hundred percent excommunication, rejection and ostracization of my father. Non-negotiable. If they want to have something to do with him, I don't want anything to do with them. But I am willing to give them a hearing and if there are any members of the clan who agree with casting out the traitor to family, then I will be delighted to know them. It doesn't really help with the issue, though, that I haven't gotten to practice my French since 1995, and French people have notoriously abysmal English skills. The issue is complex and it would be easy to make linguistic missteps. Current Mood: determined

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September 25th, 2009

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September 24th, 2009

10:39 pm - Loot I have returned successfully from my monthly movie night with J. In addition to picking up some DVDs at the video store, I also picked up my monthly literature shipment from the post office. So today is Loot Day. Let me run down the highlights of the acquisitions because material possessions are one of the few joys remaining to me. ;) DVDs * The Day the Earth Stood Still remake. This is the one we watched tonight. I was left with a generally positive feeling; Keanu was a surprisingly brilliant casting choice for Klaatu, considering his perpetual "lost puppy" expression. The evil guns blazing government is a much more cliché villain now than it was in 1951, I must say. You can tell this was a movie made by liberals. And while I agree with demonizing jingoistic governments, from the perspective of a writer, it's lazy storytelling to use a completely uncreative and overused antagonist. But despite this, the key conceit of the movie -- that we must evolve as a species and transcend our pettiness -- is something that has always appealed to me. I like it when the government is humanistic talkers rather than guns blazing cowboys. Heck, that's a big part in why I love Star Trek. In many ways, this movie's message is very much the same as Roddenberry preached in Star Trek. I hope one day we'll go back to fiction where the basic assumptions are that the government is the good guy. * The Brave One starring Jodie Foster, which I simply had to pick up because Jodie has not let me down a single time ever. Her presence is like a certification that the script isn't shit. I never even heard of this one, but Jodie is just about the only actor whose work I will automatically buy. * Cloverfield which I don't know much about other than some vague idea that it's maybe a disaster movie done like the Blair Witch Project? Don't spoil, I'll find out for myself. * World Trade Center, I'm vaguely interested to take a peek at what Oliver Stone managed to squeeze out of the concept. * Titan A.E., I also have no clue about this but I seem to recall some positive reviews, and hell, you can never own too much science fiction, so I was curious and I grabbed it. Literature * Marvel Masterworks hardcovers collecting vintage Spider-Man from 1971-72 and Sub-Mariner from 1968-69. * Hardcover of the Avengers Forever story, which I am really excited about because I only got the first eight issues of the twelve-issue story back when it was coming out. I chose to quit comics temporarily in Aug 1999 because I wanted to prioritize money expenditures towards the relationship I had at the time, so I never got to read the conclusion until now. Then over in magazine format comics we have... * Dick Grayson continues his tenure as Batman, and we get more of Batwoman, too * The big Green Lantern event continues across multiple series * Daredevil reaches its five hundredth issue of consecutive publication but I've gotten bored with the book and dropped it so I just picked up this issue as a one-off curio * The X-Men are having a crossover story with the Dark Avengers whom I don't like and I hope I don't need to read about them again. * The new series for the Spirit concludes with #32 * Over in Star Trek comics, Q visits Picard * Doom Patrol launches with a new #1, splitting the book with the Metal Men, so it's two C-list groups in one book -- sounds like fun! Fun cover of Elasti-Girl king-konging the Metal Men! * And finally the thing I'm most excited about, the Legion of Super-Heroes in an ongoing comic book again, even if they are just relegated to a few pages at the back of the book. Adventure Comics #1! I'm not really a big fan of the Superboy character who's taking up most of the book, but I don't hate him either, and heck, whatever I have to do in order to see the Legion again! Lotsa reading and watching ahead of me, but that's hardly new. :) Current Mood: geeky

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02:51 am - Christine I am, fortunately enough, on an upswing right now, but it's still spooky to read about these things, and know exactly the train of thought that must have been going through these peoples' minds. R.I.P. Christine Chubbuck, an American television reporter who committed suicide in 1974: "Her focus on her lack of relationships was generally considered to be the driving force for her depression; her mother later summarized "her suicide was simply because her personal life was not enough"." "she had trouble connecting socially in the beach resort town. He believed her constant self-deprecation for being "dateless" contributed to her ongoing depression." "had been told if she did not become pregnant within a year, it was unlikely she would ever be able to conceive." "She was self-deprecating, criticizing herself constantly and rejecting any compliments she was given." -- her Wikipedia page I'm so sorry this happened to you, Christine. I hope someday, somebody will invent something that will make these life situations rarer. Maybe then a lot of people can rest more peacefully. Current Mood: sympathetic

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September 23rd, 2009

04:47 am - Shy Let's say that hypothetically there's an individual you're interested in, romantically, but they have one particular quirk: whenever you ask their opinion about something -- what food to have, what movie to watch, where to go for vacation, heck if you propose marriage, the person always says, "whatever you like", "whatever you want", and so on. They are extremely shy and always defer to your opinion, even if you try to encourage them to speak their own mind and try very hard to pump their own opinions out of them. How long are you supposed to keep encouraging? Does it make you a bad person if you give up after five or twenty years of "whatever you want" replies, and just do what you want and they follow along? Current Mood: frustrated

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September 22nd, 2009

11:39 pm - Hill The last couple of days have seen a noticeably better mood than before. In no small measure thanks to a certain new friend. Possibly also contributed to by the fact that I've started meditating a couple of times per week. It's funny how the brain works. How you can still have the exact same thoughts you had before, but just simply feel better nonetheless. The difference between, "I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, wah wah wah, gloom gloom gloom" and "I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, eh, whatever" and "I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, woohoo!" Of which I've spent most of the past year in the first one, but for the past few days I've managed to get into the second one. But it's funny how you can have the exact same estimation of logical facts, but react to them emotionally in completely different ways. Just another convincing example of how the rational mind and the emotional mind are largely different entities. And why it's pointless to try to use logic to debate a depressed person into feeling better. You can't debate somebody into feeling better, because that's engaging the rational mind instead of the emotional mind (where the problem is). Well, that's how it works for me at least. Anyway, I've had precious few moments to feel almost like a normal human being over the last year, and I'm going to try to prolong this condition as long as I can; I'm sure it's only temporary peak before I flow down into another wave trough. I've given a lot of thought to compromising over this year, romantically that is. What is asking too much, what is asking too little. Odds are one won't run into that "perfect" fit, so it's more a question of how much you're willing to compromise, but then again -- -- so how do you know what is asking too much and what is asking too little? Like so many other things, there really isn't a universal answer; everybody has to decide for themselves where to draw the line. I would expect most people would agree with this, that there aren't universal boundaries that apply to everyone. So it's more of a question of deciding the boundaries for myself. How much do I, personally, want to compromise? And if I end up drawing that line at a different location than some other person, then that's just life. Nobody's going to end up putting it at the exact same point as I do. There will always be people who disagree. I'm not going to specify here what things I'm willing to compromise on and what things I'm not willing to compromise on, because that would only invite criticism. I'm asking too little, or I'm asking too much, or I shouldn't compromise on X or I should compromise on Y. I'm not really interested in having that debate. There's one particular prospect that my mind keeps coming back to, but it would require compromising a lot, probably more than I'm willing to. But at the same time, I'm not really convinced I have a lot of other options either, at least ones that don't involve traveling ten thousand miles. There's staying solo, or there's traveling a zillion miles, or there's making some very heavy compromises. None of these options are particularly appealing, but such are the choices left to a low-quality guy. You play the cards you're dealt. To go off on a tangent (because I don't want to ramble on forever about relationships because it's boring me as much as it is boring you), traveling is probably the most appealing of those options, to me. Particularly since the Nordic climate is wearing thin on me and I really want to move to a more southerly climate someday. I was thinking just a few hours ago, on my way to work, how the current weather is very nice in a cool breeze sort of way, but that I don't like it if it gets much colder than this. And it's going to get much colder in a few months, and I hate it every year. About 12-14C (54-57F) is the bottom for me. Down past that, and I don't really like the weather anymore. So it would be nice to locate a region where the coldest winter temperatures are about that much. I've mentioned before a desire to visit Thailand and the northern parts would seem, according to my research, pretty well along the lines of my desired climate. A little hotter on the coast but I could deal with that if I decide I really want to live near the sea. Too hot doesn't bother me nearly anywhere as much as too cold. Apartment prices in Thailand are very affordable by Western standards and I can't help but eye Thai sales listings almost as much as I do local Finnish ones, and dream about what could be if I do decide to just say "fuck it" to the Western culture and go away. Buying an apartment with a sea view, sitting on the balcony and watching the sun set into the Andaman Sea while writing a book -- if I choose not to compromise romantically, then maybe I could go this route to try to find some level of existential raison d'être. It's such a tantalizing possibility because it's so within reach because of Thai affordability. With what I already have saved up -- which isn't much -- I could already buy an apartment in Thailand that's bigger than what I'm renting now. If I worked and saved hard for a couple more years, I could get something very nice. Working and saving hard would entail pretty much giving up on studies, though. Which I suppose realistically I should admit I'm already doing in some ways. The month is nearly out and I've only had time to attend 3-4 lectures, which is pathetic and it's not going to suffice to get anything completed this semester. But it's not like I have a lot of choice. I have to keep working to keep the money flowing. And my other big time consumer is club activities, which is eating up surprisingly large chunks of time, but I don't feel I can really drop that one either, because if I give up having a face-to-face social life, I would feel even lonelier than I already do. After I subtract those two, plus sleep, plus some mandatory me time, from my schedule, it doesn't leave a lot of time to attend school. I hate it, but it's just a fact that my time resources cannot stretch to accommodate my studies at this point. Compromise, huh? Anyway, I guess I've rambled on long enough for one day. Hope you've enjoyed yet another glimpse into the complicated life of one guy. Love, Samy Current Mood: contemplative

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September 20th, 2009

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September 19th, 2009

05:15 pm - Windows I finally migrated over to Windows 7, and spent most of Thursday and Friday setting it up, reinstalling applications, adjusting configurations and such stuff. It's now in mostly usable shape. I think it's decent enough, although for the most part it's just another iteration of Windows, by which I mean all the same configuration options and so on are there, sometimes they're just hidden under different paths but it's still the same old thing hidden under a layer of new glitz. The only real improvement -- by the definition of "it didn't work in XP but it works in 7" -- that I have discovered so far is that Bluetooth looks like it works out of the box. No need to install any specific Bluetooth software, it just works. Oh, and desktop wallpapers can slideshow through a series of pictures rather than being a fixed one. Also, it auto-detected and set my screen resolution during install, rather than having to go to Display Settings and manually set the resolution, like in every previous Windows I've had. Small things, honestly. Nothing that's a must-have over XP, but since I was going to do a reinstall later this year anyhow, it was a "might as well go 7" thing. If I was gonna have to reinstall anyway, 7 is slightly nicer a choice than XP, but if there was no pressing need to reinstall I would probably stick with XP. On one positive note, I can use Norton Antivirus again. It didn't support 64-bit XP Professional so I had to switch to Avast a while ago. But looks like NAV works on 64-bit 7, so I'm glad because I like Norton. Current Mood: drained

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04:25 pm - Pizza I have found a successful diet and it is pizza. Over the last month or so I have consistently been dropping about 1kg/2lb per week by a pizza diet. The key has been counting calories. Pizza makes this easy because it's ready-to-eat. When preparing foods the traditional complex mixological way it's easy to miscalculate or forget to count an ingredient when you throw in 80 grams of this, 20 grams of that, 150 grams of foo and 200 grams of bar. Not to even mention the complication that some foods don't even have their calorie counts printed on the packaging! It feels like I'd need a spreadsheet or a god damn witch doctor throwing bones, to count the calories if I prepared food the traditional way. Ready-to-eat stuff is pre-mixed, pre-calculated, and delivers a scientifically precise product to my hands. (Well, not really, but it's a close enough approximation.) With pizza, I have settled on a couple of particular products. I know the big one has 880 calories, the small one has 520, and from there it's easy to calculate that I can eat either three big ones or six small ones per day and end up with a net calorie deficit. Simplification has been the key. It's easy to keep track when I know that I can eat "three of these per day, period". Not confusing the issue with different foods each day so that I'd have to learn a different set of numbers each day. Just the regular item, three per day, period. That's that. Simple and therefore easy to follow. I hate variety anyway, so having a clear and simple routine to follow is pleasing in itself. Considering I'm 5kg/10lb down from mid-August, I'm inclined to say it works. IF I can keep up the same pace, then by the end of the year I could be back down to how I was this time last year, before the depression took over and I started overeating comfort food. One of the key requirements of a sustainable diet (he says like he was some kind of a damn expert) is that you have to feel like you aren't torturing yourself. Because a successful diet has to be a long-term one and if you hate it, you're going to sabotage yourself sooner or later. It has to be one that, if you imagine yourself on it for the rest of your life, you can live with that. If I was going to have to live on some kind of a lettuce crap diet for the rest of my life I would probably rather shoot myself now. But this -- this I could live with, indefinitely. I probably *won't* indefinitely, but I don't feel like killing myself if I went like this forever. So that's important. Current Mood: irritated

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September 16th, 2009

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September 14th, 2009

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September 13th, 2009

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09:42 am - Drama I know I've been a handful over the last year. And being that it was last September that the whole emotional rollercoaster began I suppose the approximate one year mark is as good a point as any to review and focus. My introspection today was prompted by a certain reply to an earlier post of mine on LJ, where I was thanked for being so open about my problems, so people who have similar problems feel less alone. In effect, there is strength in numbers. At the same time, I have received complaints that I should cut down on the drama. And heck, I certainly wouldn't want to sound like a fourteen year old emo kid who's self cutting for attention. But how do you balance these two? On one hand, people are strengthened by your words, and on the other hand, people are annoyed by your words. Do I, ultimately, have to pick sides and give one side the middle finger? I've always had a policy of keeping a very open Livejournal. I've only locked posts in extreme situations when some other person's privacy was at issue. I believe in openness because I don't believe true friendship can be built on facades and false faces. And that's how I've always regarded Livejournal. A sanctuary for me and my "true" friendships. And then there's Facebook. "According to a study recently discussed by the British Association of the Advancement of Science, on Facebook and other social networking sites you are more likely to gain superficial acquaintances than close friends." Which is to say, there are friends and there are "Facebook friends". I've intentionally minimized mentions on Livejournal of the fact that I have a Facebook account. I think it's slipped past one or two times but mostly I've managed not to mention it. I've marginalized the information because I feel the purpose for the two sites is different. Not every person whom I've worked with for six months needs to know my innermost thoughts. So I do put up a facade of sorts on Facebook where I'm deluged with school friends I haven't seen or talked to in twenty years. Whereas on Livejournal I open up much more. And I think that is a functional division of openness. And I'm going to maintain that policy. So I put my foot down: I'm not going to stop "drama" here on Livejournal. If that bothers you, then I warmly recommend you to stop reading my Livejournal, and instead make sure you're reading my Facebook, where I will make sure to update with exciting things like what movies I've watched or what my latest "Who are you from Star Trek: The Next Generation?" quiz results are. You'll still be following the same person, just without the drama, so it's win-win. If you're hesitating about leaving my Livejournal because you're afraid it would make me feel bad -- don't. In fact, it would make me feel better to see people leaving, because then at least I would feel like the people who remain aren't bothered by my posts. Right now, I feel like some people are bothered, and some are strengthened by my posts. And I'd like to direct the former group of people to my Facebook where there is much less introspection. Consider it just a different LJ filter if that makes it feel any better. But I'm not going to stop the "drama" here. You want a sanitized version of me, catch me on Facebook. Stay here only if you're genuinely fine with how I've been over the past year. You've been warned. I consider everyone who remains to do so with their eyes open. Current Mood: determined

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September 11th, 2009

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September 6th, 2009

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September 5th, 2009

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August 28th, 2009

04:45 am - Another So last week I had a big date and I thought it went exceptionally well, so I emailed her the day after that I'd like to see more of her. But of course yesterday she replied and answered she didn't feel a "spark". I'm not surprised anymore. Frustrated, I guess, but not surprised. I'm a little bit disappointed that I misjudged the feel so badly, frustrated that the result is always this, but surprised? I guess this is just "no" number 92. I guess I'm just not a suitable companion for anyone, really. Story of my life. Eh. Whatever. I'm not sure I even care anymore. Current Mood: indifferent

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12:50 am - Five It's a boring night at work, so I'm going to fish for entertainment by activating this meme from infinitepryde: You post a topic, list, category, whatever, in my comments section. (examples: "Five Things Bill Denbrough Remembers About His Childhood", or "Five Things Parker Decided Not to Steal" or "Five Things Jessica Will Never Tell Grady"). Then, in a separate post, I'll post the answers to your Top 5 ideas, according to me. Serious or fun! Post something tonight because I'm bored, please. Current Mood: bored

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August 27th, 2009

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August 20th, 2009

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August 18th, 2009

02:31 am - Dream Girl Women don't get much better than that.

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August 17th, 2009

06:43 am - Title Here's a book title from H.G. Wells, a treatise that is considered the birthplace of wargaming (Warhammer et al, and by extension I suppose the birth of Dungeons & Dragons and roleplaying gaming too). "Little Wars; a game for boys from twelve years of age to one hundred and fifty and for that more intelligent sort of girl who likes boys' games and books" Gotta love that clause about girls. Priceless. Current Mood: amused

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03:18 am - Book It seems like years since I have completed the reading of a full-length prose novel. I remember how I used to be a voracious reader in my younger days, but I cannot deny the pastime has fallen away in my older years. It is something that has much vexed me, and I am immensely gratified to make a return -- however temporary it may be I do not know at this time -- to this hobby. I have been greatly troubled by the fact that I consider myself a reader and a writer -- the latter foremost, however the former is the subject of this essay -- yet there are many texts of great renown that I have not yet perused. I should be able to make an extensive list of these failings of mine, however I am overcome with shame in this regard and could not bear to name such titles as any learned man -- if he be worthy of respect -- should have read many years ago. To correct this dire failing of my self, I have over this past weekend obtained a copy of the famous text by celebrated author H.G. Wells -- "The Island of Doctor Moreau". It is with much delight that I can say I have just completed my examination of this text so that I may impart my thoughts regarding it. I feel that this book is also an apropos venue for my rebirth as a reader, for its author Wells is known -- by a shared title with Jules Verne -- as a "Father of Science Fiction", which I confess to be my preferred genre of reading. As such, reacquainting myself in my genre, I consider it apt to begin from the roots. Wells' book was published in 1896, which makes it well over a century old -- 113 years old to be precise, as of this writing. There are currently approximately 18 people living who were born when this book was published or earlier. In but a handful of years, one suspects there will remain none alive who witnessed the launch of this book, and in this regard it almost seems like a metaphorical passing of a text as well, from the realm of current book to a legendary book. "History became legend, legend became myth." "For none now live who remember it." On reflection the tale appears simplistic on the surface. It is the simple telling of a man getting into a pickle, and then out of it. But then, aren't they all? It is in the telling of the pickle that the mettle is measured. Even so, however, Wells' text is quaintly uncomplicated, which I personally welcome in this era of postmodernist aspirations when writers try to outcompete each other by crafting dozens of arcane and cryptic layers and complexities into their texts. It is not, I must say, a developmental direction that I enjoy. Though simplistic in many fashions to the modern eye, I would still rather read Wells' text than the overengineered fruits of today's pretentious fops who throw around nonlinear narrative and metaphor to confuse texts simply for the sake of appearing more intellectual than they truly are. But I digress. I shan't waste much more breath on those diametrically opposed to me, but rather I shall return my attention presently upon the topic which I have initiated, that being the text of "Dr Moreau". In evaluating the personal worth of any given literary text, I have come to believe that the primary concern is a simple binary proposition of whether one enjoyed the text or not. In this particular case, I am pleased to say that I enjoyed it. Granted, there are many specific details that I personally would have improved on, but that is through the lens of a modern reader who has over a century of literary development to draw upon. As I shall detail some of the -- in my personal and biased opinion -- shortcomings of the book subsequently, I should like it not to be misunderstood that I am calling the book bad. On the aforementioned binary scale of "good" or "bad", the text is in my opinion good. However, it is not perfect, and I shall detail some of the imperfections presently. Foremost, the characters were rather one-dimensional for my tastes. There's the unscrupulous scientist, the drunk and the common man, and not much more angles to them. Perhaps I have become spoiled by growing up on the writings of Chris Claremont, but there was not enough substance for me in the personalities of this book. Secondly, the book was rather predictable. However, it may not be possible for a book to be a classic of world literature for over a century and still retain elements of surprise. And I am not talking about learning the plot by cultural osmosis -- I was fortunate enough not to know how the plot would resolve -- but rather the trivialization and pedestrianization of the particular plot structure by virtue of its success. By this I mean to say, if for instance there is a famous book in which the protagonist survives in the end, and the book is so popular that all other books emulate its plot structure for a century, allowing protagonists to survive in all other books for a century as well -- then one necessarily becomes immunized after a fashion to the concept of the protagonist surviving. Even though one does not know the specific plot resolution of the original book, there are reflections and refractions of elements and themes across a century of writing that inure one to certain particular tropes. On the other hand, I found the dramatic structure very strong. The book may be basic -- even a skeleton I might say -- but it is built on a very strong skeleton at that. It doesn't move too fast or too slow, the pacings of each act and revelation are nigh flawless. I think "Dr Moreau" is a textbook example of how to pace a plot. It was also not an overly long book. At 261 kilobytes of text from Project Gutenberg, it formatted to approximately 37 pages on my reading software. As I must confess to some level of intimidation at the time investment required by thousand-page books, I find that it will be books of this shorter length that will make me excited to be a reader again, as it is far easier in an older man's life to find the time for a short book than for a long one. I have not said much about the plentiful ruminations on human nature that the book encompasses, and I should like to keep it that way, for I feel such introspection cannot be adequately conveyed by summary and can only properly be experienced by reading the book itself, and can only be properly discussed in longer detail than I should like to engross myself in at this writing. Suffice to say that Wells presents interesting ideas of what it is to be a man and what it is to be an animal, and I would be delighted to discuss the book's exploration of the topic over dinner sometime, but if I should get started here, it would overwhelm this essay. Overall, I should like to strongly recommend this text to friends of the science fiction genre, to which this book is very much a foundation, with the caveat as I mentioned above, that you are unlikely to find many surprises in the plot. I do not feel I am qualified to give this book a rating in its contemporary context -- where I should think it would rate higher -- as I am not well versed in the context of the late 19th century, but through the lens of a 21st century reader, I must say much of it remains undecayed and even from a modern viewpoint, the book holds up well enough to earn a solid B+. Current Mood: satisfied Tags: classiclit, reviews

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August 15th, 2009

11:58 pm - Book Going through the book "Island of Dr Moreau", and came across this passage that, no doubt, would delight that segment of fandom who is all "squee" over the concept of two men. There's two scientists, Montgomery and Moreau, and at one point, Montgomery says, "I thought myself in luck at the time, when Moreau offered to get me off. It's queer--" How times have changed that these days you couldn't pull that off without a sexual implication. Current Mood: thoughtful

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02:39 am - Travel I kind of want to take a trip during the winter, but I'm finding it exceedingly difficult to talk myself into traveling. I could burn a few thousand, or I could put it aside and save for an apartment. The latter seems like an infinitely more sensible thing to do. I need somebody to talk me into the former. Why should one travel? Can anyone talk me into it? Because I'm failing at convincing myself. Current Mood: working

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August 14th, 2009

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August 11th, 2009

05:43 pm - Shipment Highlights of this month's shipment: * Amazing Spider-Man #600. Which is a series I've otherwise dropped because of the lame "the last 20 years didn't happen the way they were shown" retcon, but there's something special about centennial issues that makes me addicted to collecting them. Also, Incredible Hulk #600. * Second month of Dick Grayson as Batman, and it's still good. * Blackest Night storyline begins for the Green Lantern series. * Legion of Three Worlds final installment, and it's the best series of the year so far. * Final installments of three Star Trek series: John Byrne's "The Crew" which focuses on Majel Barrett's "Number One" character from the TOS pilot; Ty Templeton's "Mission's End" which tells the story of how Kirk's five-year-mission ended; the "Wrath of Khan" movie adaptation * 688 page hardcover of Alan Moore, Alan Davis and Chris Claremont's Captain Britain from the 1980s. I am so super-sad because they sent me the wrong cover. I wanted the cover with the girls on it and they sent me the cover with the boys on it. :( :( :( * Hardcover of Jim Starlin's Warlock stories from the 1970s. For years I've heard what a classic these stories are supposed to be, I finally get to judge for myself. * The two matching hardcovers about Superman and Batman: "Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?" by Alan Moore and "Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader?" by Neil Gaiman. Haven't read either one before, and the former is a widely renowned classic so it's about time I got a hold of it. Current Mood: nerdy

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August 10th, 2009

02:58 am - Zen Not a good night but that's nothing new. Sit, close eyes, meditate. Try to find center. Core alone transforms into cells of light Current Mood: melancholy

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August 3rd, 2009

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July 19th, 2009

08:41 am - Ouch Took a tumble on the bike. Got too arrogant about a curve. My fault. Points of contact: left elbow, left knee, left thigh, hands. Classic, traditional tumble. The surface lacerations are tolerable but what annoys me the most is my left midsection which feels sprained or something. Nothing visible there. Bought bandages for the second time in my life. Sort of feels cool. Bandaging self still has the newness shine for me. What I really want to know, though, is how my shirt has a big blood splotch at the approximate location of my right shoulderblade. There's no way my left knee or left thigh bends that way. I suppose theoretically my left elbow might be able to connect with my right shoulderblade but I'd really rather not imagine the contortion. But all over my back the skin is intact, so where the hell else could the blood have come from? Fascinating mystery; I want to know. Knee bandaged; other lacerations seem dry enough not to paint my bed red. Time to grab a nice long 12 hour sleep and see how I feel when I wake up. Current Mood: sore

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July 16th, 2009

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04:22 am - Bad I feel so horrible I feel like I'm in a black slow gooey maelstrom drowning and I don't know if I'm going to pass out or throw up or both. I literally feel physical dizziness and nausea. I am so asking for new meds from my doc when I next see him. None I've tried so far seem to be doing anything worth a crap. Current Mood: depressed

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July 15th, 2009

05:14 pm - Loot From Finncon: * XXL bright pink Animecon t-shirt * XXS white Animecon panties * a bunch of comics single issues: random 2099 stuff, Wonder Woman (Messner-Loebs and Byrne), Daredevil (incl. the Born Again storyline), others... * 18 Star Trek pocketbooks, mostly TNG * Lone Wolf and Cub, Vol.2 * An "art of" style coffee table hardcover about the Drizzt Do'Urden books. I think the pretty maps alone are worth the price. From the post office, my monthly shipment this month included, but is not limited to: * Starman Omnibus, Vol.3 * Marvel Masterworks: The Avengers, Vol.9 -- the next volume will collect the epic Kree/Skrull War storyline * Invincible Ultimate Collection, Vol.4 * JLA Deluxe Edition, Vol.2 * the first issue of Dick Grayson as Batman * the first issue of Batwoman * X-Men Forever #1-2 * the second issue of the new New Mutants series * after a wait of 27 (twenty-seven) years -- the comic book adaptation of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan!! * the final Green Lantern issues before the big Blackest Night event begins in next month's comics I have so much reading to do. Current Mood: bouncy

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